


Lifetimes (Catharsis)

by NukeRose



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Anger, Bullying, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-05-30 06:40:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6413074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NukeRose/pseuds/NukeRose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU: My name is Jude Adams Foster, and this is my story of how I survived my experiences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> (Based on a true story. Dedicated to and in honor of somebody I loved, who I recently lost. RIP, beloved.)

What constitutes a "lifetime"?

Is it a period of time in which all of one life passes you by? Or is it more than that? Is one lifetime, but a chapter that leads into the next? Do we live one lifetime, or many within one lifespan? Do lifetimes pass with the passing of the things that become your life? Is it true that the moment the one thing that is your life and world perishes and or crumbles, a new lifetime begins? That's what I believe. It's like lifetimes are just chapters in a book; many smaller parts that have been stacked end on end to form the bigger whole.

If that is the case, then I'm on my eighth lifetime. Some of them have been good, some of them have been horrible, and it seems like all of the good ones have gone down in flames. I've lived through a lot in my time on this Earth. Far more than I'll ever admit to. Far more than I think I'll ever even remember. My therapist believes that I've blocked out many of the things that happened to me in my past. A dear friend of mine has told me that "God only throws at you what he knows you can handle". I can't help but wonder how strong he thinks I am. How strong does he think I am that he throws so much at me in one long series of lifetimes? He seems to be under the mistaken impression that I am a superhuman with a mind built like a bunker.

My first lifetime ended with my parents. It ended when I was orphaned. When a drunken car crash ended the lives of my father, my mother, and my sister. It ended the moment I was shuffled into the foster system, and the darkness within consumed any hope of a happy life. It was truly buried the first time I felt the hand of an abusive foster parent strike me, the first time I felt malevolence in an adult's angry gaze as it burned my skin and burned through my eyes as if trying to set my soul alight.

My second lifetime is one that I'd love to forget, because it's full of nothing but bad memories of every punch, every kick, every night I went hungry, every day I spent in the hospital, and every minute I spent fearing for my life and praying for a savior to a God that I eventually stopped believing in. My second lifetime ended with the hell. It ended when a boy I had never met noticed my pain and suffering and interfered, which led me to finally getting placed with a good family.

My third lifetime began when that boy stood by my side, and became my best friend. The first friend I'd had since before foster care. During this time, I learnt what friendship truly was. I learnt what it was like to have somebody at your back through everything that the world can throw at you. My third lifetime ended when it evolved, when the friendship evolved into love. When my friendship with my savior evolved into a mutual crush, which evolved into a relationship. A partnership. A symbiotic pair. When I learned just how much can happen if you have the will to go for what you want.

The fourth life was when I learned what it meant to be somebody else's everything, and for them to become my everything. When I learned what it meant to feel love for somebody after having been deprived of it for so long. When I learned the feeling of bliss that came with losing yourself in the eyes of the person you loved and couldn't live without. My fourth lifetime ended with the relationship, which ended in violence through no fault of mine or his.

My fifth lifetime was the longest one I had ever lived. Eight torturous years that I only survived with a metric ton of help. With the interference of so many others, I made it through. But only just. It was during this time I learned what it was to live without the one you relied on for security. It was during this time that my childhood friend returned, and helped me through my grief, surrounding me with people who could help. It was during this time when I basically did a psychological 180. When I tried to bury a whole part of me.

My sixth lifetime began when my beloved came back to me. It was during this time that I started to return to my old self.

My seventh lifetime began when my beloved became mine again. I was happier than I had ever been in my life.

My eight lifetime is now. Now, I look back on the time that has passed into oblivion, a time that exists now only in my memory… the memories that haunt my dreams.

Writing this all down… it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. By doing this, I relive my past in the present and risk losing my sanity… But maybe, if I exorcise these thoughts to paper, I can save my sanity instead of destroy it. I need this. This is my catharsis. This is my last resort, my last attempt to heal from what happened. This is my last effort to move on.

This is how I survived heartbreak and tragedy. This is how my anger and my grief almost destroyed me. This is the story of how I suffered through yet survived the worst kind of loss. How I lost my mind to the grief and anger which took me the edge of the most dangerous trains of thought, and how I regained it through the assistance of a merry band of "Marauders" led by my childhood friend who I hadn't seen in almost a decade.

My name is Jude Jacob Adams Foster, and this is my story…

…This is the story of how Connor Stevens died.


	2. Friendship Begins

He saved my life, and I had never even met him before.

On my first day of Anchor Beach, he saw me from across the room during science class and noticed the bruise on my cheek and went to the Vice Principal. Later that night social workers showed up and removed me to place me with a new family. Imagine my surprise when I'm placed with my Vice Principal and her family. I asked how they found out my foster dad was abusive, and I was told that another student came forward and told them their suspicions.

Then, on my next day of school, he stuck up for me at lunch.

I had sat down at my usual empty table in the cafeteria of Anchor Beach, and as usual the swine of the school and their usual entourage set in upon me. In my short two days at Anchor Beach I'd already managed to acquire their hatred, and I didn't have to be a rocket scientist to know what it was about this time. Today it was about my nail polish, my high pitched voice, and the bruise on my cheek. Only one of which I could actually control. The usual slurs were thrown. Fairy. Fag. Queer. I blocked it out like usual, but a new voice joined the fray that smashed through the walls I'd built.

"HEY! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM!"

My head flew up to see a boy wading through the crowd. Well… actually he was knocking people over to get through it.

"This doesn't involve you, Stevens." The lead asshole sneered at him, "It's between us and the Queer."

"Say that word again, and you'll know why I'm the best hitter on the baseball team." The new guy threatened, "And in case you've forgotten, I'm also the Captain. So get out of here before I talk to the coach and have him bench you."

The two of them stared at each other for a moment, before Asshole turned to his cronies.

"Let's go." He said before turning back to my savior, "You'll regret this, Connor."

"Is that a threat, Walt?" Connor purred dangerously as he stepped forward, "You couldn't fight your way out of a brown paper bag. The only thing about you that is special is your daddy's money, and guess what? _My dad has more._ Now get out of here. If I catch you near him again I will give you a war. This is your only warning."

Walt turned away and stalked off with a snarl.

My savior, whose name I now knew was Connor, watched him go with fire in his eyes before turning back to me and sitting down at my table, directly across from me. In a matter of a split second his demeanor changed from ready for a fight, to sheepish and

"You okay?" He asked gently, "Sorry about them. Walt's always been a dick."

"Why?" I asked after a moment's pause.

"I don't know, he just always…" He started to say.

"No, not about him. I mean, why did you help me?" I clarified, "You don't even know me. Why would you stick up for me?"

"Same reason I went to the Vice Principal yesterday." He said with a shrug, "Because it was the right thing to do."

"Wait… it was you?" I asked softly, "You went to Lena about the bruise? Why?"

"Because nobody deserves what you were getting." Connor said, as if the answer was obvious, and I suppose to him it was.

"But you don't even know anything about me." I reiterated.

"Not true!" Connor said with a joking smirk.

"Really?" I asked sarcastically, "Then what do you know about me?"

"Your name is Jude!" Connor said with a fake air of supreme superiority, "Aaaaaand, that's it."

I barked a laugh, and covered my mouth to stem the giggles.

"Aaaaaay, there it is." Connor said, pointing at me with a smile and bouncing in his seat.

"You're a dork." I told him through my giggles.

"Hey, I got you to laugh, so I'm vindicated." Connor said seriously, but his seriousness was cracked by the silly glint in his eye. I couldn't help but laugh along with him.

"Well… thank you." I said sincerely, "If I had stayed there for even another week… I don't even want to know what would have."

"Hey, anytime dude." Connor said with a small smile.

I looked up, and around the cafeteria to see that most of the people were staring at us like we were crazy and the levity disappeared. Well, at least it did for me and he noticed it immediately.

"Hey, you okay?" He asked, "You went quite."

"Yeah… you don't have to sit with me if you don't want to." I said to him.

He looked at me with a look that reeked of offense, as if I'd committed a mortal sin against him.

"Why wouldn't I want to?" He asked.

"You're painting a target on your back." I said simply, "Hanging out with the _orphan fag_ …"

"DON'T." He snapped at me, pointing a finger in my face.

I froze, and stared at him in shock at his raising his voice.

"What…?" I started to ask.

"Don't call yourself that." He said crossly, "You don't deserve it from them, and you shouldn't do it to yourself either! So, don't!"

I stared at him for a moment.

"Sorry." I said gently.

"It's fine… just don't do it again, yeah?" He said without thinking, "You're not just insulting yourself there, ya know? You're insulting me too."

"Huh?" I asked with shock coloring my voice.

He froze, and stared at me for a second before turning red.

"Um…"

"Hey, it's okay." I rushed to assure him, "I didn't know you were…"

"Not many people do know." He said softly, "My parents… they aren't very good with the whole thing."

"Do they know?" I asked.

"Yeah, they know. It's just… my dad doesn't like it." Connor continued, looking sad, "My mom's not too bad about it I guess, but my dad…"

"How bad is he?" I asked.

He stared at me for a second, his gaze analyzing me and my intentions. He sighed.

"He's not really bad, per say. You know what Westboro Baptist Church is?" He asked.

I flinched, giving him my answer.

"Yeah. I do." I verbalized.

"My dad almost joined them." He said, "Only didn't because my mom threatened to divorce him."

"Damn." I gasped, "That sucks. I'm sorry."

"It's fine. He's getting better." Connor said, "Still dreads me getting my first boyfriend, but he's not abusive or anything. Just a bit gruff about it."

"Sorry, I shouldn't have asked…" I apologized.

"Hey. Don't sweat it." He waved it off, "How are you liking your new home?"

"First good home I've had in years." I deadpanned, "So thank you. Seriously."

"Hey, anytime. What are friends for?" He asked with a smile.

I felt like I'd been slapped. That he considered me a friend after literally speaking to me twice.

"Yeah… friends." I said softly, "That's gonna take some getting used to. Having friends. Haven't really had any in a long time."

"How long?" He asked sadly.

"Since before foster care." I said simply, "Had a buddy named Jack back then. Our parents were friends. He was like my brother."

"What was his last name?" Connor asked.

"Uh… Downey." I said flippantly, "Haven't seen him in years though. Why do you ask?"

"Curiosity." Connor said.

"Curiosity killed the cat." I reminded him.

"Ah, that may be true, but satisfaction brought it back to life."

No sooner had he finished speaking then out of nowhere, a girl with long brown hair plopped down next to Connor with a loud BOO. Connor jumped nearly a foot in the air, clutching his chest.

"Jesus CHRIST, Taylor!" He exclaimed, "Are you trying to give me a heart attack?"

"No." Taylor deadpanned, "Saw you hand Walt his ass on a silver platter. Had to come see what was up."

"Where's Daria?" Connor asked, although the look on his face clearly displayed that he was only asking out of courtesy, "You two are usually inseparable."

"Isn't Daria the girl with the really bushy hair?" I asked for clarification.

"Yeah, why?" Connor asked.

"She was in the crowd of people you scared off." I told him.

"She would be, she's with Walt. They're _dating_ now, apparently." She revealed, looking repulsed.

"Oh, of course she is…" I thought to myself silently.

"Is she stupid?" I verbalized dryly, "You'd have to have the IQ of a hamburger to want to date that walking roidrage awareness poster."

Taylor snickered at my insult.

"YES! Finally somebody with sense enough to see it!" Connor exclaimed, "She drives me crazy, but she's been Taylor's friend since preschool so I tolerate her."

"She nearly failed her classes last year, so yes. She is stupid, and if she wants to date slime like Walt then she isn't worth hanging out around." Taylor returned, equally deadpan but with a small smirk as she held out a hand for me to shake, "Taylor Johnson. It's not every day I meet somebody else with sass."

"Jude Jacob." I said, shaking her hand, "Nice to meet you too."

"So, Connor… how are we gonna handle them?" She asked, "Because you know Walt. He's gonna want revenge for you making him look like the caveman that he is."

"The three of us can handle Walt, don't you worry." Connor said arrogantly, "He's got the IQ of a squirrel, and his goons aren't much better. The three of us against them? They may have numbers, but we have cleverness."

"What did I do to deserve this?" I asked myself silently, "Ten minutes ago, I was surrounded by a group of slur slinging orangutans, and now I have the first two friends I've made since I was six. Can today get any better?"

Connor snapped his fingers in front of my face, derailing my train of thought.

"You alright?" He asked.

"Yeah… I'm fine." I assured, "Thank you for standing up for me, again."

"You're not alone anymore." Taylor said sternly, "We've got your back."

I looked down at my hands, folded in my lap. Without the two of them seeing, I pinched the inside of my arm to see if I was actually awake or dreaming. The stinging pain signaled the former to be true, and I sighed in relief.

"What kind of revenge are you talking about?" I asked.

"The paint trick?" Connor suggested.

The grin that stretched across Taylor's face was nothing short of demonic.

"Oh, I knew there was a reason I hang out with you." She purred dangerously.

"What's the paint trick?" I asked.

"It's a way to rig a locker door. Involves fishing wire, some duct tape and three cans of spray paint." Connor said with a mischievous glint in his eyes, "So when they open the door they get sprayed."

"How does that work?" I asked confused, not seeing how that would be done.

"I would tell you, but then I'd have to kill you." Taylor said simply.

She sounded dead serious.

Connor just rolled his eyes.

"Okaaaaay… forget I asked."

"Good choice." Taylor said approvingly with a wink, "Well, boys. It's been fun, but I have to go to the library. Let's do it again sometime."

Connor rolled his eyes again as Taylor rose from her seat and sashayed from the cafeteria.

"Is she…?"

"A little crazy?" Connor finished my question for me, "Yeah, but she's a good friend. Trustworthy and loyal."

"Was she serious about the paint thing?" I asked.

"Five bucks says she'll pull it off before the end of the day." Connor deadpanned.

We sat and finished our lunch, and ten minutes before lunch concluded we headed to our next class. We shared the same Science class, so we sat together. We also shared the class with Walt, who had spent most of the day before flicking paper balls at the back of my head like a five year old.

During the ten minutes we waited for class to start we talked. Connor plopped down in the chair next to mine and swiveled in his seat to look at me.

"So… we didn't actually get to talk much." Connor pointed out, "Taylor kind of sidetracked us, and I want to get to know you better."

"Yeah… what do you want to talk about?"

Connor cocked his head in thought, and after three solid seconds, asked his first question.

"What's your favorite color?" He asked seriously.

I snorted a laugh. The seriousness in his voice reminded me of the way I'd imagine a FBI agent interrogates people, and hearing the tone applied to that question was extremely amusing.

"It's blue." I said with a giggle, "Yours?"

"Emerald green." He said, "What's your favorite band?"

"I don't know… Fall Out Boy." I said, "Thanks for the memories is a great song."

"Eh, never liked them much." Connor said, "Mines Guns N' Roses."

"Who?" I asked.

I might as well have grew a second and third head and declared that my life's ambition was to judo kick the Pope in the face.

"You've never heard of Guns N' Roses?" He asked, his voice colored by astonishment as he fished his phone out of his pocket, "I'm gonna fix that."

He pulled out his phone, and turned on a song. The first thing I noticed was that it was loud, and sounded angry. The second thing I noticed was that I didn't want him to turn it off.

_"Been lookin' for a trace, lookin' for a heart, lookin' for a lover in a world that's much too dark…"_ A man's voice spat from the speakers.

"What song is this?" I asked, intrigued.

"You're Crazy." He said, and at my snort he rolled his eyes, "No seriously, that's the actual song title. It's from their first album, Appetite for Destruction."

I listened to the song a little bit more, and found myself bobbing my head to the music. Connor was throwing his head back in forth to the song.

"You're gonna give yourself whiplash doing that." I told him.

"Headbanging to this stuff is a great stress reliever for me." Connor said, "It's like every time I throw my head forward, a negative thought or emotion is thrown out of my head. I feel at peace when I do it. I know it sounds weird, but it works. Even without the headbanging, the music relaxes me. It's a great way to relax, and a way to vent your feelings at the same time."

I looked at him, and I nodded. I resolved to try it sometime, preferably when nobody else was around. I certainly needed a good stress reliever, and I had plenty of negative thoughts that I could do without, so I figured whatever works was worth a try.

"This isn't half bad actually." I conceded.

"It's a good song, and they made a ton of others." Connor said, "I've got most of their albums. Dad bought them all for me."

"Why? That couldn't have been cheep." I pointed out.

"My liking of rock and metal helps him forget about my being gay and _his_ dislike for _that_." He explained, "As long as I act straight, he keeps his mouth shut… usually he does anyway. But, god forbid I do something he considers not masculine though… the looks he'll make when your back is turned…"

"Sorry." I interrupted his rant, feeling sorry for him, "I shouldn't have asked."

"It's fine. I actually have an old copy of this album, if you want it." He said, pulling an old but undamaged CD case out of his backpack and holding it out to me.

I stared at the case. The cover was black, with a stylized blue and yellow cross with a skull on each arm and one in the center, adding up to a total of five, with the band's name in a gold banner at the top, and the album's name in a red banner at the bottom.

"And you were just carry this around with you?" I asked teasingly after a minute.

"I was gonna give it to Taylor, but she didn't want it." He explained, "So I'll give it to you instead. Here, take it."

Slowly, I reached out and took hold of the case.

"T-Thanks."

"No problem… anyway, what else did you wanna know?"

"Favorite movie?" He asked.

"Star Wars. No question." I answered without a second's hesitation.

"YES!" He exclaimed, "I have all of them on DVD."

"Lena does to." I said, "It's my foster brother Jesus's favorite too. What's your favorite one?"

"Empire. No question." He said.

"Return of the Jedi is a close second." I said while nodding in agreement with his answer.

"I'll have to show you my lightsabers after school sometime." He said, "I've got a pair of those really expensive collectable lightsabers. One's a replica of Anakin's from Revenge of the Sith, and the other is a replica of Vader's. Mom got them for me for Christmas last year. If you look at them through a camera, the look like real lightsabers."

"Lucky bastard." I teased.

"I know." He said with a shrug of his shoulders, "I can swing 'em around convincingly, too."

"I'll have to test you skills sometime, then." I teased, "See if you can beat me.

"Sounds like fun!" Connor said, nodding enthusiastically, "I'll teach you some moves!"

"Deal." I said with a laugh

"How about this weekend?" Connor asked, "We could make a sleepover out of it."

I started slightly. I honestly hadn't anticipated him asking to hang out that soon, but it was a welcome surprise.

"Yeah, okay… I mean, I have to ask, but…"

"That's okay." He said happily with an understanding nod, "I'll give you my number and you can text or call me when you find out. Let me see your phone?"

"O-Okay." I stammered, and handed him the phone that Lena had given me this morning.

He took it, and put his number in my contacts list before sending a message to his phone and adding my number to his.

The bell rang to end lunch rang soon after, and more students started shuffling in.

When Walt walked in, I immediately had to employ every single ounce of self control I had in my mind to prevent the hysterical laughter that was bubbling up and threatening to burst forth at the sight of him. His shirt and pants were covered in blue and red splotches, and he had a scowl of supreme displeasure on his face.

I pulled five dollar bill out of my pocket and handed it to Connor.

"I told you she'd do it." He responded with a smug giggle as he pocketed his prize.

************

Later that night, I sat at the dinner table with my foster family, keeping to myself.

"So, Jude? How was your second day of school?" Lena asked.

"It was fine." I said quietly, still not used to people caring.

"Make any friends?" Stef asked gently.

"Yeah… two actually." I said, happiness seeping into my voice as I sat up straighter in my seat.

"That's great, bud." Lena said, "Who?"

"Connor Stevens and Taylor Johnson." I said.

Jesus snorted.

"What's so funny?" I sassed at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Nothing." He said, "Just that your first two friends at Anchor Beach are a couple of the most well known. Connor is captain of the junior varsity baseball team, and he's the youngest one they've ever had. He can outplay half the people on the varsity squad. Taylor is probably the sassiest person in the school, and she's ridiculously prank happy. The paint-rigged locker is her specialty. She pranks everybody, and Connor usually joins in. They're both loyal to a fault, as well. They'll kill for you if you get on their good side."

"They're nice." I said, "Connor stood up for me at lunch when Walt and his goons were picking on me… he was the one who went to Lena about my bruises. He's the reason I'm even here. He even gave me this."

I pulled the CD Connor had gifted me from the pocket of my hoodie and placed it on the table top. Jesus looked impressed.

"GN'R, huh?" He asked, nodding approvingly, "Kid has good taste."

"I know, right?" I said, "I've been listening to it since I got home earlier."

"Well, we're glad you've made some new friends." Stef said.

"I actually, uh, wanted to ask you guys something." I said shyly.

"What is it?" Lena asked.

"Connor wanted to hang out this weekend, and I wanted to know if it would be okay if he came over and spent the night on Saturday?" I asked hopefully.

"As long as his parents say that it's okay, then of course he can come over." Lena said.

As soon as dinner was over I bolted up to the bedroom and plopped on my bed, a smile plastered across my face. After a few seconds I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it out to see that I'd received a new message from Connor.

"Hey Jude J." The message read.

I smiled.

"Hey Connor." I responded.

"My parents gave the all clear on this weekend." He sent back.

"So did Stef and Lena." I responded.

"AWESOME! Can't wait. See you at school tomorrow."

"You too." I typed.

I sat my phone on the table next to my bed, and smiled.

For the first time in years, I felt as if I belonged.


	3. Friendship Evolves

It's almost Halloween now. I've been with the Adams Foster family for a month and a half, and I've never been happier in my life. I overheard Stef and Lena talking a couple of days ago, and they were discussing the prospect of possibly adopting me. My heart leapt every time the thought crossed my mind… the prospect of becoming an Adams Foster was one that I hoped would become reality. It was something I had dreamed of for as long as I could remember. Having a family again, one that genuinely cared for me and allowed me to be myself… Connor had been thrilled when I told him of this.

Another thing that has made my life worth living again… Connor. He has become my best friend. We are pretty much inseparable, and one of us was rarely seen without the other after our first sleep over the Saturday after we met. When we aren't at one of our houses, we exercise my new freedom (courtesy of Stef and Lena) and gallivanted around San Diego on our bicycles. I reveled in my expanded sense of freedom, the ability to explore a city that I've lived in my entire life but know very little about. Connor has shown me all the best places to hang out. One of his favorite things to do is sit under the pier at the beach and relax while listen to the waves lap at the shore with music playing from his phone.

While he has spent the night at my house numerous times, I've spent the night at his house only twice, because I have since decided that it was in my best interest to avoid the toxic presence of Adam Stevens as much as was humanly possible. Connor's mother, Joanna, was a perfectly pleasant woman whose demeanor reminded me a bit of the description given of Molly Weasley in the Harry Potter books. Personality wise, anyway. Joanna looked nothing like her. She had the same motherly attitude, always fussing over Connor and me, making sure we ate enough, blustering indignantly when we told her about the ongoing war at school between our group and Walt. Sure she had her reservations about Connor begin gay, which she admitted freely when I asked her about it in private. From what she told me, however, she has no actual problems with him being gay. No, most of her reservations stem from the fact that a great deal of other people would have a problem with it, and she only wanted Connor to be completely safe.

Adam, on the other hand… well, the word "asshole" immediately springs to mind. With his religious beliefs mingling with his general unpleasant attitude, I am surprised that Connor would even want me to go anywhere near his house. I'm convinced that the only reason Adam isn't openly hostile towards me and Connor is the fact that Joanna is a fierce woman who would eat him alive and spit him out whole if he said a single syllable in a hostile tone towards either of us. Adam's favorite activity while in my presence is to glare in my direction, and I have taken to glaring back with equal intensity.

I trust Connor implicitly, and he trust me the same. I have opened up to him in ways that I never thought I would open up to any person. Connor now knows more about my time in foster care than any person except my social worker and Stef and Lena. When I told him, I was terrified that he was going to be disgusted and not want to see me again. Instead, he hugged me tightly to him, and I ended up comforting him and watching him cry on my behalf, outraged and indignant at my treatment. The butterflies that I had been feeling around him for weeks increased exponentially, and that only cemented what had been forming.

I'd developed a fricken crush on him.

Of course I had, because something in my life can _really_ ever be fuckin' simple, right? Apparently not.

Now, I sat at lunch, directly across from Connor. He was babbling excitedly about what we were going to do for Halloween: what our costumes were gonna be, and the route we were gonna take for trick or treating. Meanwhile, I was staring at him again. Wondering how I got lucky enough to have the hazel eyed, dirty blonde haired, muscled, kind and caring, flannel wearing Adonis of a boy as my best friend. For the third time that week I looked at his lips, and wondered what it would be like to kiss them.

"Jude?"

I snapped out of my daze, and noticed that Connor was now staring back at me curiously. I cursed myself silently and turned a lovely shade of crimson. Then I cursed myself for blushing.

"Huh?" I mumbled stupidly.

"You okay? You looked a million miles away man." He asked, his voice laced with concern and care, "What's wrong?"

I fought off a wince. The genuine concern that shown from his hazel eyes made him look like a small puppy had taken human form and was staring at me. I fought hard to prevent myself from inevitably melting into a puddle at the sight of them, and failed. I then resorted to my usual plan B in these kinds of situations.

Escape.

"Um… I gotta go."

With little preamble I rose from my seat and fled the cafeteria. I took refuge in a bathroom on the other side of the school, and seated myself on the floor of the handicapped stall while I tried to regain control of my feelings and thoughts.

"Connor is your friend." I thought to myself, "Your best friend. Nothing more. Don't ruin what you have over a stupid crush. He probably doesn't like you like that anyway."

I repeated that thought in my head until ten minutes later, I heard a knock on the door of the stall. I felt a spike of irritation. Clearly, if the stall door was shut and locked, it meant somebody was inside and didn't want to be disturbed.

"Occupied." I mumbled miserably with a splash of irritation coloring my voice.

"I know it is, now open up Jude." A familiar voice demanded worriedly.

I cursed under my breath. Of course Connor would follow me. I should have figured that.

I sighed and got up, unlatching the door to the stall. I opened it to admit Connor, and plopped back down on the floor.

"So… what's up with you?" Connor asked.

"Nothing's up with me."

"Uhuh, sure. Why don't we try answering that again, this time with the truth?" Connor asked sarcastically, "That's the third time this week I've caught you in a daze while I'm talking. Am I boring you, or something?"

"NO! You're not boring me!" I replied, shocked that he could possibly think that, "Why would you ever think that? You could never bore me!"

"Then what is it, Jude?" Connor demanded, "I start talking, and you turn red and start staring off into space as soon as I do. What's wrong?

"I've just got a lot on my mind, is all." I said.

"Like what?" He asked, "The only time I've seen somebody turn as red as you did was when Taylor had a crush on this boy last year."

My eyes widened by a fraction, and I couple feel the heat radiating from my cheeks as I blushed. Apparently, my blush was enough to tell him the basics, because his eyes widened with mine and a smile slowly stretched across him face.

"*Gasp* Really?" Connor asked excitedly, "OHMYGOD, You've got a crush, don't you?"

I looked at him. He was grinning at me with a goofy smile that displayed all of his teeth. It was a grin that I could not lie to… so I nodded.

"Jude that's… that's awesome!" Connor exclaimed, "Who is it?"

"I… I can't tell you."

"It's not Taylor is it?" He asked with a deadpan voice that was ruined by the smirk on his face.

"No. It's not Taylor." I said.

"Come ooooooooooooon. Tell me." Connor pouted.

"Connor…" I tried to say.

"Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell meeeeeeeeee… tell me." He badgered, practically bouncing where he sat at the prospect of gaining the information he was seeking.

I looked at him, and remained silent.

"Oh…" Connor breathed, his eyes wide in realization, "I think I get it now…"

"What do you mean?" I asked him, and looked back at him.

"Well, it's… it's _me_ , isn't it?" Connor finally said after a moment's silence, "Your crush… it's on _me._ "

His voice was colored by shock, and something else I couldn't recognize. It was pleading for the truth, begging for me not to lie… so I nodded.

"Y-yeah, Connor. I-It's y-you."

I closed my eyes, and waited for it. Waited for the rejection. Waited for the sound of the door opening and slamming, and the sound of Connor stomping off. Waited for the moment when I was alone and I would crumble into tears at the loss of my first real friendship. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, and the fear was causing my stomach to do cartwheels. I heard Connor shifting beside me, and I waited for it to happen…

But it didn't. Something else did.

Instead, a split second later, I felt something unbelievably soft and damp press softly against my lips and my eyes shot open. Connor had his eyes closed tight, and was pressing his lips to mine in a kiss that was almost impossibly soft. My mind froze with what this meant, and when it unfroze I kissed back.

The kiss was perfect, if unbearably short. He pulled away, and his eyes fluttered open to gaze into mine. I couldn't help the giddy smile that overtook my face, which he quickly returned. I lunged forward and wrapped him in a hug, laughing as I did it.

After what seemed like hours, but in reality was only several dozen seconds, I pulled out of the hug and leaned against the wall, breathless, in complete disbelief of what had just happened.

"So… that just happened." I mumbled.

Connor laughed, turning slightly red himself.

"Yeah… it did." He mumbled.

"What does this mean, exactly?" I asked softly.

"Well… I kissed you, Aaaaaaaand you kissed me back, soooo… we obviously like each other." Connor said, still smiling as he did it, "And if we like each other, and we both want to be together… why not? Why shouldn't we?"

"What would your dad say about it?" I found myself asking, "What about the rest of the school?"

"Ask me that question again when I start actually caring what my dad thinks." Connor said, "As for the rest of the school, we'll be discrete. We don't deny the fact, we just don't make it obvious until we don't have a choice, so no grand public displays of affection."

I agreed with him on the limitation of PDA, because public displays of affection had always been something Connor and I never wanted to see from others. It made us uncomfortable. Then something else he said stuck in my mind.

"What do you mean; until we don't have a choice?" I asked.

"Well, Walt is bound to notice something is up eventually." Connor reasoned, "As soon as he notices it and it clicks, he'll probably make a big scene about it. Probably blab it to everybody within ear shot. Taylor will know as soon as she sees us. We have to be prepared. When Walt puts it together, this little war we have going now will look like a minor disagreement."

I pondered his reasoning, and it was sound.

"I want this… I know you do too, so why shouldn't we?"

I stared at him, seeing the conviction in his eyes that affirmed his belief in what he was saying.

"You're right." I conceded.

"I know I am." Connor said, with an air of mock superiority that was ruined by the sparkling in his eyes.

I slapped his shoulder jokingly.

"Dork." I laughed.

He stared at me.

"So… boyfriends?" He asked softly.

My heart leapt at the word.

"Yeah… boyfriends." I agreed.

No sooner had the words left my lips than the bell to end lunch rang. Connor leapt to his feet and held out a hand to me. I grabbed his hand, and he pulled me to my feet. He looked at me for a second longer, before leaning in and pressing a soft kiss to my cheek, causing the both of us to blush intensely.

"Come on, boyfriend. Let's go to class." Connor said with a dopey smile.

And so we did.


	4. The Present

The memory seemed so vivid, even if I hadn't visited it in a long while. The memory of the happiest day of my entire life, over two years previously.

**_"So… boyfriends?"_ **

**_"Yeah… boyfriends."_ **

If I had any left, I would probably shed a tear at the memory. Fortunately for me, I shed all the tears I had left. A year and a half of happiness, now naught but a memory. A memory so painful upon recall that I cannot even think his name without feeling excruciating pain.

I haven't seen him since March during eighth grade, since the fight…

**_"I'm sorry okay!? You know I love you, Jude. I just…"_ **

**_"You love me? Connor, if you really loved me you wouldn't be trying to talk me into this! I'm going home."_ **

**_"Jude, please…?"_ **

**_"Goodbye, Connor."_ **

I growled to myself and shook my head to clear that cursed memory from my mind. No matter how hard I try, I can't get rid of it. It haunts my dreams at night, and now it haunts my every waking moment as well. The feelings of guilt it brought with it were suffocating.

"He's gone now." I think to myself, " _He's_ beyond my reach now and it's all my fault."

I know exactly where _he_ is, but it is somewhere I cannot go. I swear to god, if I ever see Mr. and Mrs. Stevens again, I'm going to make their lives a misery. The torture _he_ must be going through right now though… I wouldn't wish a stay in that _place_ on my worst enemy. Oh wait, yes I fucking would. Gladly.

…It's October now. Freshman year has started. It's been seven months since I smiled.

I was shaken from my memories and tortured musings as I felt a small ball of paper hit my head. I looked at the offending projectile for a minute before noticing that it had writing on it. I smoothed it out and read it.

 _"You comin' or what? -Taylor."_ The note read.

I looked up towards the door to the classroom of my first hour Physical Science class, and their stood Taylor, staring back at me with a raised eyebrow. I glared back at her with a glower that made her flinch almost imperceptibly. I rose from my seat and moved to join her. When I stepped into the hallway I realized that she was not alone.

He was the same height as me. He was muscular, and had long shaggy brown hair. He wore rectangular framed glasses. He was wearing blue Levi jeans, boots, a white t-shirt and a collared button up shirt the he left unbuttoned.

He nodded at me, "Sup?"

I nodded back, "Not a damn thing."

I could hear something faint coming from him, so I leaned in slightly. I discovered that it was the music that was coming from his headphones. It was loud, and it was good. It was thrash.

"I'm going to call you Metal." I told him simply, "Because, I'll never remember your real name."

"Works for me." Metal agreed with a shrug, gesturing to my clothing, "I'm gonna call you Mafia, since you're dressed the part."

He wasn't kidding. I decided during summer vacation that I was going to overhaul my image at school for my first year of high school. It only caused Moms, Brandon, Mariana and Jesus to worry about me more when they saw what I was wearing. When asked why I had picked this ensemble, my response was simple.

"Walt still goes to school with me." I had said with a dark glare, "I have a war to finish, and before it's over I'm gonna fricken terrify him."

Stef and Lena had traded a look at my response, and I know for a fact that later that day they had convened a meeting with my siblings and extracted a promise from them to keep a close and watchful eye over me during the following school year.

Needless to say, wearing black dress clothes with a black long coat over it was Walt's vision of Lucifer incarnate. The veritable archive of thrash metal that I carried around on my iPhone and the fire engine red costume contact lenses I had taken to wearing for the first few weeks of school nearly had him wetting his pants. Yeah, yeah, I know I went overboard but the bastard deserves everything that's coming to him. The school didn't punish him for what happened, so I would. He was going to pay.

But I'm getting sidetracked.

About a month into mine and Metal's fledgling friendship our first research paper was due, and as we sat in a classroom before school started, he asked me to read through his and proofread it. I agreed, while at the same time admonishing him for leaving it to the last minute. I picked it up and started looking at it.

"Good god man, your spelling and grammar are terrible." I muttered under my breath.

"You say something?" Metal called over to me.

"Yeah, do you actually know HOW to write in proper English?" I asked him, only half joking.

"Bite me." He responded simply.

I laughed and looked at the name at the top of the cover page.

I did a double take and gasped.

It couldn't be possible. I could never get that lucky. I rubbed my eyes to clear what was clearly a hallucination, but to my amazement, the words printed atop the paper remained.

 _Jack Downey_  
English 9  
4th Period

I leaned back in my chair as the memory consumed me. A memory I had long thought forgotten…

**_Flashback:_ **

**_It was half way through the day, and what an important day it was. My very first ever day of pre-school and it was already going down the crapper. I was already irritated to the point of throwing a tantrum of apocalyptic proportions. First I had spilled a small pot of bright neon blue paint down my front, and had to change out of my fabulous bright blue puppy dog t-shirt. Then I stubbed my toe on the edge of a desk and muttered a few choice words to the offending object as I hobbled away to the carpet for story time._ **

**_Then an annoying little… boy kept annoying me to the point of wanting to punch him really hard in the middle of his face. I was in a slight panic that none of my friends from my neighborhood were in my class. The infernal hag that I had for a teacher, Mrs. Baker, had made me look like a downright fool when I couldn't spell the word Saturday, and proceeded to talk to me like I was infant for the rest of the day. The evil paraprofessional kept shouting at me for not coloring in between the lines, even though the picture of a tree looked much more impressive with my artistic scribbles all over the page._ **

**_I think they call it abstract? I'm gonna go with that… Hahaha._ **

**_Finally, with my left eye twitching in irritation, a boy committed a cardinal sin…_ **

**_He tried to steal my cinnamon flavored animal crackers._ **

**_Ohohohoho._ **

**_Nuh uh. Bad choice._ **

**_One of the first rules I ever developed: Never. Try. To. Steal. My. Snacks. _ **

**_In my five-year old mind, this was a personal insult. Usually committing this act was a very painful way to die (unless your Callie, because I'm a nice brother and I share my snacks), but since he was unaware of my rules, I spared him a grisly death and decided that a nice firm slap in the face would suffice. The slap led to a small fight. Well, when I say small, I mean a brawl involving me and eight other children, which ended in me being dragged out into the hallway to sit in bloody time out._ **

**_Ugh. It was the first of hundreds, believe me._ **

**_I sat against the wall, my head throbbing from a headache. I cursed my mother for making me go to school even though I felt like absolute crap. I leaned my head on the side of the cubbies and within a minute, I had dozed off. Blissful silence did wonders alleviating my headache. I stayed that way for ten minutes before I heard the door open, waking me up. I feigned sleep, until I felt a sharp kick delivered to my left shin. I emitted a growl of irritation, but otherwise ignored it until I felt a second kick land on my other shin. I growled again and opened my eyes. I opened my eyes to be met with another face not even a centimeter from my nose, which elicited a small yelp of surprise. I leapt to the side, and banged my head on the wall, causing the perpetrator to burst into hysterical laughter, and bringing back my headache. I stared at the boy in irritated fascination, mostly irritated. My eye twitched as he sat down beside me, and I turned my head to look him in the face._ **

**_"Why are you staring at me?" I asked him in an irritated fashion, "And why did you scare me like that?!"_ **

**_"It annoys people," He stated nonchalantly as if it was the most obviously normal thing on the face of the planet. As if it was exceedingly typical, extremely common to scare the living daylights out of somebody as an introductory greeting._ **

**_I stared at him for a few seconds before I nodded in agreement._ **

**_"Yeah, well, it works." I told him._ **

**_"I'm Jack. Jack Downey. What's your name?" He asked with typical childhood enthusiasm._ **

**_"Umm... Jude. Jude Jacob." I responded. He held out a hand for me to shake, which I did, since I was graced with manners that the other buffoons hadn't been._ **

**_"Nice to meet 'ya Jude." He said with a small amount of mischievous glee in his voice. I cocked an eyebrow at him and smirked._ **

**_"So, what did Baker send you out here for?" I asked him._ **

**_"Thumbtack on her chair." He stated proudly._ **

**_I laughed, and he looks scandalized._ **

**_"What?" He asked._ **

**_"Easy, but effective." I stated, and looked at him. "I take it you like pranks?"_ **

**_He emits a demented sounding giggle of evil glee and nods. I smirked, ideas of pure undiluted evil springing to the forefront of my mind._ **

**_"We have a lot to talk about." I said with a giggle that bordered on Satanic with its concentration of evil._ **

**_This chance meeting of our two brands of evil sparked a war. It doomed our poor teacher to a year of relentless pranks, and Jack and I soon became inseparable. We set a stink bomb off under her chair and in her desk. Eventually we moved up a level and decided that we needed to pull off something bigger, and we roped in a few of our classmates who we were friends with. It was effectively a secret group of pranksters, swearing an oath that my dad, Donald, once told me was an old family motto._ **

**_"Brother's for life, partners in crime, friends through peace and death's design. Brother's for life, brothers till the end, always our brothers we shall defend."_ **

**_My dad was a prankster and child at heart, so he actually helped us come up with the plan. And by helped us, I mean he did all the work and we carried it out. So we got eight stink bombs, and along with our six accomplices in our little group, set them all off in the air vents of the school's bathrooms. The smell spread to the rest of the school and the school was shut down for a couple of days so the smell could dissipate._ **

**_We were never caught._ **

**_Don't ask how we got away with it, to this day I have absolutely no idea how we pulled it off._ **

**_Jack and I became closer than I was with my own older sister. We told each other secrets then, which we still keep for each other to this day._ **

**_(End Flashback.)_ **

I snapped out of my memory and immediately sought him out with my eyes. He was sitting on the couch (I have no idea why this classroom had a couch in it. I think the teacher uses it to nap during lunch period), and he had his headphones in and was bobbing his head to the music with his eyes closed. The last time I ever saw him was the last day that my life was normal. The day before my parents and sister died.

"Jack Downey?" I whispered to myself.

I had to know for sure, so I threw my pen cap at his head to get his detention.

"Hey Jack, come here."

He looked at me in shock at my remembering his name. He rose from the couch and walked over and sat down in the desk next to me.

"It's that bad huh?" He asked jokingly.

"No, it's just spelling and grammar... hey, did you ever go to a different school than Anchor Beach?" I asked.

"Years ago, yeah. Why?" He responded, looking at the floor.

"Was it here in San Diego?"

He looked at me, and gave me a weird look.

"Yeah, why?" He asked testily.

Oh my god, it really _is…_

"Did you know a Jude Jacob back then?" I asked.

He smiled a small smile, which I could tell veiled sadness. He nodded slowly.

"Jude? Yeah I knew him. He was a good friend. Why? Do you know him?" He asked, perking up slightly. I smiled at him. I handed him back his paper and rose from my seat and moved to look out the classroom window. I felt a small tear streak down my face, as for the first time in years, I said the oath.

"Brother's for life, partners in crime, friends through peace and death's design. Brother's for life, brothers till the end, always our brothers we shall defend." I recited. I turned to look at him, and his mouth was agate with unabashed shock. I could see a lone tear trailing down his cheek. He stepped forward a few steps.

"That... That cannot be possible." He whispered.

"I'm having trouble believing it myself."

He backed away a few steps.

"Prove it's you."

"Why, are you expecting a Terminator duplicate?" I snarked, "I figured you'd have grown out of your fear of robots by now."

He stared at me, his eyes widened to the size of satellite dishes.

"Holy Shit, it's you." Jack whispered as a grin stretched across his face, "It's really fucking you!"

He rushed forward and wrapped me in a backbreaking hug, knocking his glasses askew. I returned the hug and patted him on the back.

"I take it you missed me then?" I asked as we separated.

"More than you'd believe. I thought I would never see you again." He said, wiping his tears away."

"So did I, bro. So did I." I said.

"What happened to you?" He asked softly, "You just disappeared on me."

"Car accident happened." I said quietly, "I lost my family, Jack."

He stumbled back to grip a desk to prevent himself from toppling over from the shock.

"Uncle Donald and Aunt Colleen are dead? And Callie?" He asked for clarification.

I nodded sadly.

"I went into foster care." I revealed to him, "It wasn't fun. At all."

His facial expression darkened.

"Who do I need to kill?" He asked.

The tone of my voice told me that he was completely serious. He had only known who I was for a couple of minutes, and he had already resumed his role as my brother, my protector, and I couldn't help myself.

I moved forward and drew him into another embrace. For the first time in months, for the first time since the bashing, for the first time since Connor was sent away to that _fucking place_ , I smiled.

I had my brother back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Did I forget to mention that the last three chapters were flashbacks? Every couple of chapters, Jude will either have a flashback and confide in Jack more about what happened with Connor. 
> 
> Also, to protect some people's identities, names, locations and certain events from real life have been altered.


	5. Revenge Thwarted

It's March 12th. It's been a whole year without him.

I still can't bear to hear his name spoken. I am still haunted by my memories, and every time I close my eyes I see his eyes staring back at me full of the hurt caused by our parting words. I still cry myself to sleep at least thrice a week with thoughts of him ruling my mindscape.

I did make a new friend though, named Dennis Watson. He's about a foot shorter than me, has short dirty blond hair, and wears square framed glasses over his blue eyes. I met him after witnessing him getting into a screaming match with Walt during gym class which ended with Dennis chucking a basketball at the back of Walt's head. He missed, but I still found it hilarious. I pulled him aside mere minutes later and struck up a conversation. He's insanely loyal, and is obsessed with Star Wars, so we get along perfectly.

Jack has taken to jokingly calling our little quartet "the Anchor Beach Mafia". It's a title that amuses Taylor and Dennis to no end.

Jack, Taylor, and Dennis are all worried about me, although they hide it well. I overheard them talking about it one day. Jack is terrified that I'm turning into a sociopath. The only thing stopping them from going to my Moms is the fact that I can be persuasive, and just a tad bit manipulative… so hell, maybe I am becoming a sociopath. Jack can read me like a book, he always could and he probably always will be able to.

I take it out on Walt at every chance I can without getting caught. I was planning my revenge on him. I would see to it personally.

As I walked up the stairs toward my bedroom, I mused over how mine and Jack's old pranking partnership has recommenced. In the five months since we truly reconnected, it's as if our brotherhood had returned at twice its original strength. I also confided in him about my sexuality, although to be honest he guessed it himself…

**_Flashback:_ **

**_It all began when I felt a kick strike my shin, causing me to lurch awake in my seat and hit my head on the wall of the bus with a loud bang. I emitted a string of choice cuss words. My vision swam before my eyes for a moment before it finally settled and the world came in clear focus. I realized that the bus had stopped moving, and that it was my friend Dennis who had delivered the kick. He was standing in the aisle looking at me exasperatedly. I scowled at him, but the scowl quickly turned into a small smile, and then a near imperceptible laugh. I could never stay mad at him for long._ **

**_"C'mon Jude, we're here," he said. I nodded at him and he offered me a small smile, which I returned._ **

**_Slowly, I clamored out of my seat and threw my backpack over my shoulder. I winced slightly as the weight of the damned thing made my shoulder ache. I slowly walked down the center aisle, humming Black Dog by Led Zeppelin under my breath and bobbing my head to the music. I descended the stairs to the pavement, wincing as my ankle cracked as it hit the ground. I swore under my breath, cursing my old injury. I turned and offered a small smile Dennis before walking ahead to the doors. Behind me I could hear the others sigh in frustration._ **

**_I walked through the doors of the high school and headed for the door that led to the cafeteria. I winced as the cacophony of noise assaulted my ears. I scowled at Principal Porter who stood next to the door and was shooting me suspicious glances. I walked over to the table where my friends sat engaged in fierce debate. As I approached the table, the chatter dimmed slightly. I could feel their eyes upon me. I sat down and immediately started staring at the table. I was startled out of my bout of self loathing ten minutes later by a tap on my shoulder. It was Jack. I looked up at him, and he was giving me a strange look that bordered on sadness._ **

**_"You coming or what?" He asked quietly. I nodded and rose from my seat and grabbed my things. I always went with him every day to get his lacrosse gear before lunch ended._ **

**_Slowly, we walked towards the door to the school and entered, walking down the hallway towards our destination. We walked about ten feet before he stopped in front of the bathroom and turned to me, a look of determination and worry darkening his face. I could immediately tell that whatever he was about to say would most likely not be good._ **

**_"You're hiding something from me."_ **

**_I froze instantly. My heart rate tripled and I drew in and exhaled a shaky breath. I looked at him nervously._ **

**_"What do you mean? I ain't hiding nothing." I replied in what I hoped was a convincing voice. I failed miserably because he leveled a small glare at me and scoffed._ **

**_"Save it, Jude," he said shortly, "There may have been an eight year gap, but I have known you since kindergarten. That's 13 years. I know when you are hiding something. I know you far too well to not know that something has been bugging you for a month."_ **

**_"Oh, if only you truly knew Jack." I thought to myself._ **

**_I had been hiding my sexuality from him since we met back up in October. I had realized that I wouldn't be able to hide it from him forever, but I just could not bring myself to tell him. Taylor and Dennis already knew, but Jack was different. He was like a brother to me, and I couldn't bear to lose that. I was terrified of telling him and receiving nothing but vilification from him. I couldn't live with that._ **

**_I looked at him with a desperate pleading look._ **

**_"Jude, just SAY IT! Tell me! What could be so bad that you can't bear to tell your best friend. I'm like your brother! What are you afraid of?"_ **

**_"I can't say it out loud. I can't bear it."_ **

**_"Why the hell NOT?"_ **

**_"Just try to guess. I'll tell you if you get it right or not."_ **

**_He looked at me exasperatedly._ **

**_"Fine. You get a girl preggers?"_ **

**_"Not even close." I deadpanned, keeping a tight lid on my slight amount of amusement._ **

**_"Quite the opposite." I thought to myself._ **

**_"Dog died?"_ **

**_"I don't have a dog, Jack."_ **

**_"Oh, right. It isn't any of your family is it?" He asked worriedly._ **

**_I looked at him incredulously._ **

**_"Two things. If it was I wouldn't BE HERE, and you would have been one of the first to know." I deadpanned._ **

**_"Point taken. Did you get into another fight with Walt?"_ **

**_"Yes, but not what I'm talking about."_ **

**_"Damn... okay let me think for a second." He said. He thought for a few seconds, and turned to me as we passed the career center with a frustrated growl, "Well, I don't know what else to ask. The only thing I haven't asked yet is if you're fricken gay."_ **

**_I stumbled slightly before regaining balance. I looked down at my hands and noticed that I was trembling._ **

**_"Oh. That's it isn't it?" Jack asked after a moment's silence._ **

**_I mustered every ounce of bravery I had and spoke._ **

**_"Y-y-yes." I stuttered._ **

**_"Oh. Okay." Jack said, almost sounding bored, "That's it? You're a fucking asshole, you know that? You made me think it was something serious, like you were dying or something."_ **

**_I stopped in my tracks and stared at him with wide eyes._ **

**_"You mean, y-you're not mad?" I stuttered. He looked at me with a raised eyebrow._ **

**_"No, Jude, I am not mad. I'm not even that surprised."Jack said, talking to me as if he explaining algebra to a four year old, "With the nail polish, and the absolutely ridiculous amount of sass you spit at people? Yeah, not even remotely surprising."_ **

**_My knees buckled as the words left his lips and I leaned into the wall and muttered thanks to a god that I barely even believed in the whole time. He put a hand on my shoulder, and gave it a comforting squeeze. We slowly started walking again. Then he asked me a question that I should have seen coming._ **

**_"So... You got a boyfriend?"_ **

**_I froze mid step, and he turned to look back at me._ **

**_"N-No. Not anymore." I said quietly._ **

**_"You mean, you did?" He asked._ **

**_"I don't want to talk about it, Jack." I said, my tone of voice indicating that this topic of discussion was not to be brought back up in front of me._ **

**_As I walked ahead of him, I felt his gaze on the back of my head. A gaze I resolutely ignored._ **

**_End Flashback._ **

I walked into my bedroom, and froze.

Jack was already there. He was spending the night tonight. He stood at my desk, staring down at a notebook with a horrified look on his face. He sensed me presence and turned to me, holding the notebook aloft.

The notebook that contained my plans for revenge. My plans to punish the one responsible for taking _him_ from me.

"What the fuck is this?" He demanded.

"You're smart." I deadpanned darkly, "You can figure out."

"Yeah, I think I already fucking have figured it out." Jack ranted, "You can't seriously be planning this!"

"Walt deserves it…" I said flippantly, ignoring the look of growing horror on Jack's face.

"And you're fucking insane!" Jack interrupted as he spat at me, horror on his face, "Do you truly realize what this means, Jude? What you're PLANNING TO DO?"

"I know exactly what it means." I snarled, "It means I'm going to get what's owed to me. That fucking bastard's gonna pay his debt with blood."

"You're planning a fucking ASSAULT, Jude!" Jack squawked indignantly, "I know that Walt is an arrogant slime ball, but he doesn't deserve this!"

"You have NO IDEA WHAT HE'S DONE!" I screamed in his face.

"Then tell me!" Jack snarled.

I snapped. Every pent up feeling I had from the past year came thundering forth and smashed through the cage they'd been contained within.

"HE TOOK CONNOR FROM ME!" I roared in Jack's face, "THAT BASTARD CORNERED AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF MY BOYFRIEND AND LEFT HIM IN AN ALLY TO FUCKING DIE!"

Jack realized he had pushed too hard, and his face paled as he comprehended what I had revealed.

It was the first time I had vocalized what had happened. The first time I ever spoke of it aloud.

The dam had finally burst, so I kept screaming.

"WALT IS THE REASON THE BOY I LOVED WAS PULLED FROM SCHOOL AND SENT TO A FUCKING CONVERSION THERAPY CAMP!" I screamed, "I NEVER EVEN GOT A CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE! I WAS PULLED FROM CLASS BY THE GUIDANCE COUNCELOR AND TOLD ABOUT IT! I WATCHED THAT COWARDLY MOTHERFUCKER GET AWAY WITH IT WITH NO PUNISHMENT WHATSOEVER, SO DON'T YOU DARE STAND THERE AND TELL ME HE DOESN'T DESERVE THIS, JACK DANIEL DOWNEY!"

He stared at me, his eyes wide with horror. I realized what I had just said, and my eyes widened to match his. My knees gave out and I started to fall, but Jack lunged forward and drew me into an embrace. That was all it took, and I was crying. Loud, broken, heart wrenching sobs that I had been holding in for so long finally spilt from me as my brother in all but blood clung to me and rubbed comforting circles in my back. It took my ten minutes to calm down enough to speak.

"When was this?" He asked softly.

"A y-year ago today." I whimpered.

"I'm sorry, Jude. I had no idea… I shouldn't have pushed…" He stammered apologetically.

"It's okay, Jack." I assured him sniffly, "I needed that. I've been bottling it up for so long… It feels good to let it out."

"Jude. I get it." Jack assured me, "How could he not get in trouble for that?"

"No witnesses." I said, "C-C-Connor was alone when it happened."

_"Even though I had just left him alone five minutes before after questioning his feelings for me."_ I thought bitterly to myself.

"How do you know it was him?"

"He all but threw it in my face." I said, a miserable growl coloring my voice, "He said that Connor s-screamed for m-m-me, begging for help."

Jack clung to me harder.

"I'm so sorry bro." Jack said, sounding choked up, "I'm so fricken sorry, Jude."

"And I know you're right…" I continued, "I know I shouldn't be planning to hurt Walt, but I hate him so much for what he did. I just want to see him suffer."

"Oh, he will suffer." Jack promised, "You can count on that. We'll make him suffer together. You, me, Dennis and Taylor. All four of us. This slime isn't gonna have a moments peace until he's either on his fucking knees begging for mercy, or he's been driven out of Anchor Beach for good."

I nodded my agreement.

"We'll humiliate him." Jack said finally, "But we're not gonna hurt him. We're gonna scar him for life, but it's not gonna be a physical scar. It's gonna be a mental one."

He pulled back and stared into my eyes.

"He started this war, we're gonna fucking finish it."

I nodded.

Later that night, as I sat on my bed with Jack asleep on the floor next to the bed. I stared out the window, and it only took ten more minutes for the memory of that horrible day to completely consume me…


	6. Is this Real, or is it a Dream?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yet another chapter based on true events.

**_Chapter 6: Is this Real, or is it a Dream?_ **

It has been five years since I lost him.

The rest of high school was… interesting. Or at least I think it was. Can't really remember much of it. Very little worth remembering. A lost lifetime, I guess you could say. There were highlights, of course. Torturing Walt mercilessly was a highlight. A delicious highlight, if I do say so myself. The night of my Senior Prom was another highlight. One of the more pleasant memories. Dancing with wild abandon alongside my closest friends, drinking punch that Jack had spiked mere minutes before with a flask of Grey Goose vodka. Cheering Jack on while at one of his lacrosse games.

Good times.

That's another thing that's happened in the recent past. I've relearned how to smile. How to be _relatively_ happy. I continue changing as tie flies by. I'm not as angry as I was. Not as cynical… actually scratch that, I'm _more_ cynical. But just when I thought my life was settling down into a nice monotonous drone, fate has to throw more surprises at me.

All I had to do was decide to go see a fucking movie. Or, well… actually I was forced to by Moms because they erroneously believed that I was spending _far_ too much time in the house when I had ready access to an automobile and a decent amount of cash saved up from all the various odd jobs I'd done for the past three years.

I mean, come on. Me? Spending too much time at home? I can't imagine where they'd get that idea. I mean, I'm only there when… well actually, I'm only not there on weekends when I'm hanging with Jack and Winston, so… oh.

Huh.

Okay, I guess I _do_ see where they're coming from.

I hate it when they do that. But that's parents, yeah? Always right, always knowing what's best for you and being annoying about it. I love it.

Anyway, I went to the movies, and the theater was packed. I was bound to bump into somebody. I'd stood in line for ten solid minutes, annoyed at a gaggle of chattering children standing in front of me and being entirely too obnoxious for a public place, I mean seriously, do parents not teach their fucking kids manners anymore?

Ugh.

I finally stepped up to the counter and paid for my ticket, and large Coke and cherry swirl slushie. I stepped away from the counter after giving a polite nod to the boy operating the register. I was putting my wallet in my pocket and wasn't watching where I was going… so naturally I walked straight fucking into somebody. My slushie dropped from my hands and fell to the floor with a wet splat as the cap flew off and the drink within launched itself skyward.

"God dammit." I swore and kneeled down to pick my spilt slushie off the ground.

"Shit… I'm sorry, man. I wasn't watching where I was going." A voice said.

I froze immediately, my drink once again falling from my hand. I knew that voice. I could never forget that fucking voice. It was deeper, and rougher, but it was still undoubtedly, unmistakably _him._

I stood straight up, and slowly tilted my head up to align my gaze with his. All thought, and most of my ability to breathe, fled as I stared into the hazel eyes of the one person I'd ever truly loved.

I stumbled back a step and stared in disbelief.

He was taller and more muscled, but the confident, straight-backed way he'd once held himself was replaced by a slouched timid posture that seemed alien to be seen on this particular man. His hair was longer, grown out to the point where it was easy to tell that its owner had long ago stopped caring and just let it all hang around. His eyes, oh his beautiful hazel eyes that once shined with passion, enthusiasm, love and warmth… were dimmer. He had bags under his eyes, which told me he wasn't sleeping well and made me want to wrap him in a blanket and hold him until he fell asleep, just like we used to in the comfort and security of my bedroom. His shoulders were tense, as if expecting a fight.

Even with all those things, he was still the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my life.

"C-Connor?" I whimpered.

He stared at me, confused.

"Uh… yeah." He said cautiously, "That's me. Do I know you?"

Of fucking course, he didn't recognize me. His eyes swept over, trying to find something familiar. They drifted south, and after searching for a moment they went wide and his jaw dropped with a shuddering gasp. Slowly, impossibly slowly, his right hand reached out shakily and gently gripped the fingers of my left hand. He pulled them out, and his thumb ghosted over the painted blue fingernails. His eyes returned to my face, and looked into mine, and a single tear fell.

"No. That can't be possible." He said, a smile beginning to grow, "I'd never get that lucky."

He let my hand drop, and took a step closer.

"Jude?" He asked shakily, "Is that really you?"

Hearing him say my name again, was all it took to completely destroy any chance of holding back the tears, or the watery smile that overtook my face.

"H-Hi, Connor." I said softly.

I didn't even see him move. The next thing I know, he's thrown his arms around me and has his face buried in my shoulder. In what seemed like seconds my shoulder was soaking wet, and we both dissolved into tears. After a minute, we pulled away, my hands fisted in the front of his sweatshirt.

"Is this real, or is this a dream?" I stammered tearfully.

"If it's a dream, I don't want to wake up." Connor said softly.

After a minute of staring, we moved to sit at one of the small tables a few feet away from us.

"I cannot believe this is happening." Connor said softly.

"I can't either." I admitted shyly, wiping the tears away, "I thought I'd never see you again, and I didn't know if you'd even want to see me after… the camp."

"Ah, so you did hear about that then, huh?" Connor asked with a scowl.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up." I stammered.

"It's fine." Connor said with a tired wave, "It's over now. It's done with, and now I never have to see my dad again. I can move on. Good riddance to the slimy son of bitch."

Oh, that's new. The… _loathing_ in his voice, I'd never heard that before.

"When I got out of the camp, I told my dad that it didn't work." Connor continued, a tone of vindictive satisfaction in his voice, "I made sure to flaunt it in his fucking face too. He would turn this _delicious_ shade of red whenever I did."

"How did he take you away?" I asked.

"The divorce was finalized the day after I got beat up." Connor explained, "Dad ended up getting full custody, so Mom couldn't stop him."

Oh. Well, note to self: don't kill Ms. Stevens the next time I see her. Adam's still fair game.

"Where are you staying now?" I asked.

"Up in Los Angeles, with Mom." He answered, "I came down to San Diego because my therapist suggested that I revisit some of the places from my past where I felt happy. I was at Anchor Beach yesterday. I was going to come visit you tomorrow, but… well, you beat me to it."

"Oh yeah."

"How is everybody?" Connor asked.

"Oh, they're good." I responded, "Callie and Mariana are in college upstate. Jesus and Brandon are both in New York for school, Jesus at NYU and Brandon at Julliard."

"That's great." He said.

We continued talking, and just like that, hours passed by. I didn't even care that I'd missed my movie and wasted my money. We just sat there talking, catching up until it was time for us to depart. I offered to walk him to his car, and he accepted with a smile.

"I've thought a lot." Connor said as we arrived at his car, "About finding you, starting again. I know you have too. Probably within the last five minutes."

"Ha. Yeah." I said, "What do you think?"

He looked at me.

"I think… we are very different people." Connor answered, "Very different people than the kids we were. If we jumped right back into a relationship, who's to say we don't end up annoying each other into madness. What if we've changed too much?"

"Yeah… you're right." I said sadly, and ducked my head.

He turned around and opened the door to his car.

"Will you come back?" I asked softly, "To visit?"

He turned back to me and stepped forward to wrap me in an embrace, into which I melted immediately. For the first time in five years, I felt the sensation of warm, slightly damp lips pressing to the side of my head. He released me from my embrace, and finally answered my question, with nothing but a single wink. He got in his car, shut the door, and turned the engine on. I place my hand flat on the window, and so did he.

"Goodbye, Connor." I said tearfully.

"Goodbye, Jude." He mouthed, with another wink.

I stood back from the car, and watched as he back out of the spot and drove away. My eyes followed the car until it was out of sight.

I stumbled back to my own car.

The drive home was a fuzzy daze, and I stepped through the door of the house ten minutes later in a daze and headed straight for my room. I could vaguely hear Momma try to say something to me, but I didn't acknowledge her. I just trudged up to my room

"Jude? Are you okay?" Momma asked gently, sitting next to me and putting an arm around me, "Do you wanna talk about it?"

I nodded slowly and took a breath to calm myself.

"He was there, momma." I croaked quietly.

"What? Who was where?" She asked confused.

"C-Connor. He was t-there. At the t-theater." I stammered, "I… I g-got to h-hug him, momma. I g-got to h-hug h-h-him."

That was as far as I got before I collapsed into gasping sobs, clinging to Lena as I grew hysterical.

"Oh, honey…" Lena soothed, "I'm so happy for you, bubba."

It took about ten minutes for me to calm down enough to answer any questions, but when I did Lena wasted no time.

"How?"

"He was at the movies." I explained, "I walked into him. We talked."

"What happened after the accident?"

"His mom and dad were getting divorced, you already knew that." I said, "It was finalized while Connor was in the hospital and his dad won primary custody over him. He took him away from California. Sent him to one of those evil camps. He wouldn't tell me much about what happened there. It didn't work, and Connor took every chance to rub it in Adam's face that it didn't. As soon as Connor turned eighteen, he left. Came back to California. He lives up in L.A with his mom now. He was down here because his therapist thought it would be good for him to revisit the places he was happiest during his childhood."

"Makes sense." Lena agreed.

"He's changed so much… he's so _tall_." I said with a small smile.

Momma laughed.

"Sounds like a long day." She said.

"Yeah, I think I'm gonna turn in early." I said.

She gave me a kiss on the forehead before rising and walking out of the door, shutting it behind her as she went. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to calm myself. I stood and stripped my shirt off, throwing it into a small pile of dirty laundry in the corner of the room. I looked down at my arms, and all the scars that resided there. After seeing Connor and finding out that he was all right, I hoped that meant no new scars would ever be made. I methodically emptied my pockets. I threw everything onto my desk. First my wallet, then my headphones, then my phone, and then the ticket stub. I unbuckled my belt and slid my jeans off, before pulling the comforter of my bed back and climbing in. I lay there, replaying the day in my head. I was on the verge of sleep when I realized something that made me jolt straight up in bed.

"I threw that ticket stub away." I whispered to myself, "How did it end up back in my pocket?"

I threw the covers off me, and climbed back out of bed. I stepped over to the desk and picked up the ticket stub and turned it over.

My breath caught in my chest at the tiny writing that resided there.

"Don't be a stranger, Judicorn. Call me anytime. 555-4829."

I stared at it in disbelief.

He'd picked the stub out of the garbage, wrote on the back, and pick pocketed it into my pocket when we hugged goodbye.

I picked up my phone and saved his number immediately.

I flopped back onto my bed and stared at the ceiling. The first giggle bubbled to the surface, surprising me. Then another followed, and it was seconds later that I found myself in a fit of gleefully hysterical laughter.

At that moment, I felt more at ease, more _complete_ , than I had felt in years. I pulled out my phone and opened up the group chat, immediately adding Taylor, Jack, and Wynston. I typed only a simple message.

"I hugged Connor earlier today. I'm finally free."

And _holy fuck did it feel good._


End file.
